Author Topic: Just Joking  (Read 5738 times)

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Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #25 on: September 22, 2010, 09:43:30 PM »
Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
   

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Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #26 on: September 22, 2010, 10:34:30 PM »
Man and woman were married. The wife had a shoebox and she told her husband "As long as we are married and I'm alive, this is my box and you are not to go in it". So the husband just said "ok". Well, they were married 50 yrs when the wife became ill. The husband knew she would not make it and was trying to get her affairs in order. From her bed in the hospital she told him he could go get the box and look in it. He got the box and found 2 doilies and $25,000. He brought the box back to the hospital to ask her about it. He said "I looked in the box, I found 2 doilies and $25,000. What do they mean?" and the wife said "Well, every time we had an argument or I got mad at you, I made a doily." He said "Well, that's not too bad, twice in 50 yrs, but whats the $25,000 from?" She said "That's the money I made off of making doilies".
   

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Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #27 on: November 03, 2010, 10:18:39 PM »
A woman in a supermarket is following a  grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . .   easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice,  "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William sure is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin." 
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #28 on: December 09, 2010, 07:06:25 PM »
Got this joke from Koy.. it was posted on Cbs:

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!'"
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline mikeyfan5599

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #29 on: February 08, 2011, 08:35:01 AM »
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming,
universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,  but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know
chit?"   She then went back to reading her book.

 

 

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Offline mikeyfan5599

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #30 on: February 08, 2011, 08:37:20 AM »
GOLFING NUN.......
   A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. 

She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought

this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented

golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your

day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name

in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must

tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits

a bird in mid-flight !'
 
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
 
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as

the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and

the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,

fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the fricking putt, didn't you?'

« Last Edit: February 15, 2011, 04:25:52 PM by metabolik13 »
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Offline mikeyfan5599

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #31 on: February 08, 2011, 08:45:24 AM »
The Democrate Smith & Wesson 180...

car2   atl3 den1 arkansas1

Offline mikeyfan5599

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #32 on: February 15, 2011, 08:39:03 AM »
A Desert Love Story

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.
They finally decided on......


You ready for this?????
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
'Humphrey'!!!!!!!!!!.

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Offline true_rebel

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #33 on: February 16, 2011, 05:48:00 PM »
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. 


The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." 


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing  hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened  to you?  You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." 


The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's  man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and  bushy-tailed.  "Good  morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"  He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him goodnight.  Bob sat up and watched me all night.
Sex is a lot like air.  It isn't a big deal unless you're not getting any.  mississippi1

Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #34 on: February 17, 2011, 08:49:44 PM »
Standing in the park yesterday I wondered why a frisbee looks bigger & bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me!!!
   

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Offline mikeyfan5599

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #35 on: February 28, 2011, 02:16:49 PM »
This explains a lot.
The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

  Albert A. Gore, Jr..
  Hillary Rodham
  John F.. Kerry
  William J. Clinton
  Howard Dean
  Nancy Pelosi
  Dianne Feinstein
  Charles E. Schumer
  Barbara Boxer

  See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
  I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

  No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

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Offline Bluezhound

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #36 on: March 14, 2011, 03:46:45 PM »

1.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
2.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3.It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4.Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5.Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7.If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
9.If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11.If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12.If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13.Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14.Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16.A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17.Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18.There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19.Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20.Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rebuilding since 1964 . But Were Working on it .


Offline bricktop

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #37 on: March 28, 2011, 05:31:47 AM »
A guy calls his wife from the hospital and says, "Don't panic honey but I had an accident on the construction sight and I cut my finger off."
She says, "Oh my God! The whole finger?"
He said, "No, the one right next to it."

Offline bricktop

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #38 on: March 28, 2011, 05:33:16 AM »
What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?

The harder you hit 'em the more english you get out of them.

Offline GEW

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #39 on: May 23, 2011, 08:04:42 AM »
A Cowboy walks into the bedroom carring a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such a idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The Cowboy replies,"If your weren't such a bitch, you realize I was talking to the sheep!
Fogducker for life!

Offline GEW

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #40 on: May 23, 2011, 08:16:07 AM »
Ted buys a Harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you, When we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "Okay", he says. they sit down and no one says a word.

As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs his girlfriends boob. Nobody says a word. So Ted stands up, rips of her clothes off, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs his girlfriends mom, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it start to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.......

Suddenly the father shouts: "I'll DO the F***in' dishes!"
« Last Edit: May 23, 2011, 06:26:35 PM by metabolik13 »
Fogducker for life!

Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #41 on: May 23, 2011, 06:16:04 PM »
I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito either but I hear no one recognizes you there anyhow.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport - apparently you have to be driven there.....
   

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Offline mikeyfan5599

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #42 on: June 11, 2011, 08:09:02 AM »
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife? This
was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni.
 
What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
 
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.  Awesome!!!
 
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
 
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.....
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
 
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative.
 
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles? I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.
 
Still in shock.
 
car2   atl3 den1 arkansas1

Offline mikeyfan5599

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2011, 08:09:32 AM »
Chili Cook-Off
 
These are notes from an inexperienced chili cook off judge, named Frank,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey & fell into it by a stroke of luck:
 
Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, & I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a true taste
of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, &
besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
 
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw
the look on my face.
 
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
chit-faced.
 
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300LB. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.
 
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted &
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F*** those
rednecks!
 
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice &
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
 
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like chit to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my
stomach.
 
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
& pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank.
car2   atl3 den1 arkansas1

Offline retrobills

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #44 on: June 15, 2011, 11:32:16 PM »
I put this on another thread but here goes:
A guy and his blonde girlfriend go to a football game.  After the ref flips a quarter the home team goes on defense.  After the kickoff and the opposing team touches back, the teams meet at the 20 yard line.  As the qb snaps the ball the defense comes after him.  The crowd around the couple shouts, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"
The blonde stands up and says, "Calm down!  It was only a quarter!".
ret

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Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #45 on: August 01, 2011, 10:10:48 PM »
A Steeler fan, a Colts fan, & a Patriots fan are climbing a mountain & arguing about who loves their team the most. The Colts fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for Indiana!'' he yells & jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Steelers fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells "This is for Pittsburgh" & pushes the Patriots fan off the mountain.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2011, 09:04:35 PM by metabolik13 »
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #46 on: August 10, 2011, 09:05:54 PM »
 The Philly zoo announced today that their newest attraction, a pair of rare albino geckos, has yet to mate. They are blaming it on a reptile dysfunction!!!
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #47 on: August 10, 2011, 09:36:14 PM »
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two

nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.   

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so  for his

birthday she takes him to a local strip  club.
               
The  doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey,  Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's  been to
this club before.   

"Oh  no," says Vern. "He's  in my bowling league."

When they are  seated, a waitress asks Vern
if  he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.               

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws  her
arms  around Vern, starts to rub  herself all over  him and says, "Hi  Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"


Vern's wife,  now furious, grabs her purse and
storms  out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a  cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in 
beside  her.
 
Vern  tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must  have mistaken him for someone else, but  his wife

is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at  the top of her lungs, calling  him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns  around and says,

'Geez  Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


 
 
VERN'S  FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #48 on: August 10, 2011, 09:46:11 PM »
SAD NEWS...Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

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Re: Just Joking
« Reply #49 on: August 11, 2011, 06:09:54 PM »
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand..
 
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
 
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
 
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
 
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
 
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.
 
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
 
Two o'clock and no hired
 hand.
 
 
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
 
She quietly called him over
 to her..
 
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
 
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
 
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
 
"Now take off my skirt."
 
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.
 
"Now take off my
 bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
 
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.