Author Topic: Just Joking  (Read 5851 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline retrobills

  • Icon
  • *******
  • Posts: 10804
  • Hail to the king, baby!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #50 on: August 17, 2011, 04:48:33 AM »
I think I had this on another thread but what the hell.

A girl just got her driver's license and wants to take the family car to celebrate with her friends.  She asks her father if it's okay.
He says, "Okay, but you have to give me a blow job first."
She is disgusted but wants so badly to drive the car that she complies.
After going down on him for a full minute she surfaces and recoils.  "Ew!  Daddy, your d*ck tastes like sh*t!"
The father says, "Oh, that's right.. I forgot.  Your brother is borrowing the car tonight."
ret

My YouTube channel (username: Crazyclimber80):
http://www.youtube.com/user/crazyclimber80

Offline Cool Breeze

  • AZZ MASTER!
  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 41218
  • Mafia War/ Hot Chicks
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #51 on: August 17, 2011, 05:29:39 AM »
OK here is one:

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, Whats wrong? The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, I married a beautiful woman two days ago. Shes a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed. The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying? The old man looks at the bartender and says, I cant remember where I live!


Offline bondkbond

  • Coach
  • ********
  • Posts: 23733
  • Bar Tab Moderator
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #52 on: August 17, 2011, 01:32:03 PM »
SAD NEWS...Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.




 LMAOA         Thats good met!

Offline retrobills

  • Icon
  • *******
  • Posts: 10804
  • Hail to the king, baby!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #53 on: August 17, 2011, 05:49:03 PM »
Another from another board:
A boy just turned 12 and excitedly told everyone at his family reunion party.
"Guess how old I am!" he asked his aunt.
"How old?"
"Twelve!" He runs off to tell his uncle.
"Guess how old I am!"
His uncle shrugged.
"Twelve!"  He runs off to tell his grandmother.
"Guess how old I am!"
"Let me see."  The grandmother sticks her hand down his pants and plays with his manhood for a minute.  She then says, "Twelve."
The boy, confused, asks, "How did you know?"
"I heard you tell your uncle."
ret

My YouTube channel (username: Crazyclimber80):
http://www.youtube.com/user/crazyclimber80

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #54 on: August 19, 2011, 10:14:56 PM »
Talking Dog Joke
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.   "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."   "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
 some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."   The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.   "Ten dollars."   The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"   "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that chit."
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #55 on: August 27, 2011, 07:53:29 PM »
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass ...
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the chit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #56 on: October 09, 2011, 04:59:36 PM »
A Crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misunderstood you... What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study
to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the
secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office, and the pastor asks the old
geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200
million in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church
to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?"
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #57 on: October 22, 2011, 09:20:54 PM »
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?


Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you.
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline 44Diesels

  • COUNTRY STRONG !
  • Site Moderator
  • Icon
  • *
  • Posts: 14981
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #58 on: October 23, 2011, 03:45:29 AM »
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?


Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you.
rofl
wsh1  pit2  wsh1  atl3  wsh1

Offline retrobills

  • Icon
  • *******
  • Posts: 10804
  • Hail to the king, baby!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #59 on: October 25, 2011, 11:43:48 PM »
3 married couples, two hetero and one gay, approach the gates of Heaven, trying to get through.  St. Peter awaits them.
St. Peter says to the groom of the first married hetero couple, "I'm sorry, I can't let you through.  You loved food too much.  You even married a woman named Candy!"
The couple sits on a cloud and sobs.
The second hetero couple approaches.  St. Peter says to the groom, "I'm sorry, I can't let you two through either.  You loved money too much.  You even married a woman named Penny!"
The couple sits on another cloud and sobs.
As the gay couple approach, one says to the other: "It doesn't look good, Dick."
ret

My YouTube channel (username: Crazyclimber80):
http://www.youtube.com/user/crazyclimber80

Offline mikeyfan5599

  • Icon
  • *******
  • Posts: 12284
  • Decades of Confusion
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #60 on: November 03, 2011, 07:44:10 AM »
I would like to share an experience with you and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know I have had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd events over the years.

Well I have done something about it.......

Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much beer and wine.

Knowing full well I was drunk, I did something I've never done before.  I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before.





P.S.  I will be arrigned in the morning for Grand Theft,  Donations for my attorney fees will be accepted. 
car2   atl3 den1 arkansas1

Offline 44Diesels

  • COUNTRY STRONG !
  • Site Moderator
  • Icon
  • *
  • Posts: 14981
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #61 on: November 03, 2011, 08:04:49 AM »
I would like to share an experience with you and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know I have had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd events over the years.

Well I have done something about it.......

Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much beer and wine.

Knowing full well I was drunk, I did something I've never done before.  I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before.





P.S.  I will be arrigned in the morning for Grand Theft,  Donations for my attorney fees will be accepted. 
rofl.................Thats our Mikey !
wsh1  pit2  wsh1  atl3  wsh1

Offline mikeyfan5599

  • Icon
  • *******
  • Posts: 12284
  • Decades of Confusion
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #62 on: December 08, 2011, 05:53:03 AM »
When a Politician stands under the Mistletoe which face does the wife kiss? 
car2   atl3 den1 arkansas1

Offline mikeyfan5599

  • Icon
  • *******
  • Posts: 12284
  • Decades of Confusion
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #63 on: December 08, 2011, 09:49:49 AM »
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

           I told her, "Colonel Sanders."     Guess where I am now...

car2   atl3 den1 arkansas1

Offline bricktop

  • "pud"
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 0
  • Hey, where's Big Bird
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #64 on: December 11, 2011, 03:28:55 AM »
6th grade boy comes home from school and has a strange grin on his face when he walks in to see his mom.

She says, "Is something wrong? You're acting kind of odd."

Boy says, "Well, I just had sex today with my teacher." The mother cries, "What!!!" "Wait until your father comes home and hears this!"

A little later the father gets home from work and his wife immeadiatly say, "Your son has something to tell you!"

The boy tells his father about the sex with the teacher incident and instead of being mad, the father is really quite proud and says, "Son, today you became a man. And to show you how proud I am of you, we're going out and buy that new bike you've been wanting."

The boy says, "Gee dad, that's swell but could I just have a football instead? My butt's still really sore."

Offline mikeyfan5599

  • Icon
  • *******
  • Posts: 12284
  • Decades of Confusion
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #65 on: December 14, 2011, 06:39:56 AM »
I saw a one legged Muslim with no arms at the ATM today. 
    
   He asked me to check his balance......
   
   
   
   So I pushed the SOB over.
   
   Was I wrong???
   
car2   atl3 den1 arkansas1

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #66 on: January 29, 2012, 12:07:37 PM »
Warning from the Muslim Brotherhood

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt, Libya, Syria, Afghanistan and other hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

It's gonna get ugly, people!!!!
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline bondkbond

  • Coach
  • ********
  • Posts: 23733
  • Bar Tab Moderator
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #67 on: January 31, 2012, 11:30:42 AM »
Wisconsin Robbery
A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
 
On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
 
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
 
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
 
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak
 
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Offline 44Diesels

  • COUNTRY STRONG !
  • Site Moderator
  • Icon
  • *
  • Posts: 14981
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #68 on: January 31, 2012, 12:17:51 PM »
Wisconsin Robbery
A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
 
On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
 
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
 
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
 
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak
 
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
rofl   I had to post that on FB !!!
wsh1  pit2  wsh1  atl3  wsh1

Offline true_rebel

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 33002
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #69 on: February 04, 2012, 11:18:37 AM »
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.  The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!'

Sex is a lot like air.  It isn't a big deal unless you're not getting any.  mississippi1

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #70 on: March 14, 2012, 08:43:26 PM »
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER


You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #71 on: July 12, 2012, 03:58:46 PM »
 


A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father."
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said.
'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,
and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
 
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline metabolik13

  • Hall of Famer
  • *********
  • Posts: 26072
  • Flame on!!!
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #72 on: July 12, 2012, 04:01:35 PM »
An Italian Mama

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.


Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''


About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.


You don't suppose she took it, do you?"


"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."


So he sat down and wrote an email:



Dear MaMa,


I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.


But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Your Loving Son

Anthony


Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:


Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.


But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.



Your Loving MaMa
   

 Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole: For support rather than illumination.

Offline 44Diesels

  • COUNTRY STRONG !
  • Site Moderator
  • Icon
  • *
  • Posts: 14981
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #73 on: July 12, 2012, 04:08:45 PM »
487   Good stuff Met !
wsh1  pit2  wsh1  atl3  wsh1

Offline bondkbond

  • Coach
  • ********
  • Posts: 23733
  • Bar Tab Moderator
Re: Just Joking
« Reply #74 on: July 16, 2012, 10:54:09 AM »
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the
coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her
issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a Sexual
Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."