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Offline eyebite

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the good, clean funny laughs thread
« on: June 03, 2012, 01:55:47 AM »
Nine Habits Other People Have That I Hate

1. When someone points at his wrist while asking for the
time. I know where my watch is, pal; where is yours?
 
2. Someone who is willing to get off the couch to search the
entire room for the TV remote because he refuses to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually.
 
3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and
eat it too." Of course I do! What good is cake if you can't
eat it?
 
4. When people say, "It's always the last place you look."
Of course it is. Why in the world would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are
they?
 
5. When people say while watching a movie at the theater,
"Did you see that?" No, loser, I paid $12 to come to the
cinema and stare at the floor.
 
6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really
give me a choice there, did ya, sunshine?
 
7. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If
it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If
it's an improvement, then there must have been something
before it, so it couldn't be new.
 
8.When people say, "Life is short." What are they talking
about?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does and still
remembers! What can you do on earth that's longer?
 
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has
the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing
here?


 
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2012, 01:56:20 AM »
Truth in Seminars
 
The company I work for sometimes holds "Lunch and Learn"
seminars for employees during lunchtime. These deal with a
variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar
lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get
managerial approval to attend.
 
So, last week, this flyer came around:
 
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
 
Looks like that question's been answered ...
 
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2012, 01:57:00 AM »
Roughing It
 
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska
for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He
kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log
cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog
team instead of a car.
 
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from
civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his
wife.
 
She replied, "You."

* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2012, 01:57:31 AM »
Pharmacist Joke
 
A pharmacist walked into his pharmacy and saw a man standing
tightly against a wall making a funny face, so he asked the
technician working that day, "What is going on?"
 
She said, "Well, he came in with a bad cough and asked for a
cough suppressant, but we are out of it so I sold him a
laxative."
 
The pharmacist said loudly, "Laxatives won't suppress a
cough!"
 
She said, "I know that, but look at him -- he doesn't dare
cough."

* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2012, 01:57:48 AM »
Sisters Out of Gas
 
Returning after traveling a great distance by car to get
medical supplies for their small clinic, the nuns ran out of
gas quite literally "in the middle of nowhere." They knew
the area well; no gas for miles in either direction. Not
wanting to leave the supplies, and not wanting to be
separated, they began to pray. Just then a gas tanker
stopped, and the driver asked, "Sisters, what is wrong?"
They explained their gas gauge was stuck and they had run
out of gas.
 
He replied that his tanker was empty and he was on his way
to load fuel for one of his routes. But on inspection he
found he had a little in one of his lines; however, he had
no bucket to catch the remaining tidbit of fuel.
 
"Bed pans," replied one sister. "We have bed pans!" With
that, they got out the bed pans and gratefully caught all of
the last little bit of gas in the tanker. Then the driver
said, "Sisters, I am short on time I must go!" The sisters
thanked him and poured the gas into the car.
 
As they were pouring in the last little bit, a highway
patrolman pulled up got out of the patrol car and stared in
disbelief. "Sisters, I've no idea what you have done, but I
sure admire your faith!"
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2012, 01:58:24 AM »
WARNING : ONLY read this if you are able to LAUGH OUT LOUD. Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff. You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!



I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, chit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2012, 04:38:26 AM »
Signs Your SUV Is Too Big
 
~ The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull,
the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium
racetrack.
 
~ When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five
dollars a share for the quarter.
 
~ Your garage is larger than your house.
 
~ One of those "Oversize Load" escort trucks has to precede
you down the interstate.
 
~ Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as
"downsizing."
 
~ Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.
 
~ You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004
Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.
 
~ It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo
Metro into orbit.
 
~ There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in
the back.
 
~ It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.
 
~ It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down
into an entire field, complete with goals.
 
~ You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's
seat.
 
~ Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.
 
~ Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.
 
~ You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be
dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.
 
~ The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.
 
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2012, 04:42:06 AM »
Thirteen
 
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and
all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13."
 
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap
in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
 
Some jerk then poked me in the eye with a stick.
 
Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14...14."
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2012, 04:43:01 AM »
Traffic Camera
 
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even
though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went
around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more
slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was
quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past
the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried
a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.
 
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the
mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2012, 04:44:12 AM »
A bride-to-be called to make a change to her wedding
registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will
change something on her registry at least once (dish
pattern, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service
Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to
make the change.
 
She asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the
linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that." She just wanted
to change the name of the groom.
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2012, 04:48:13 AM »
Ten Excuses Why You Were Late To Work
 
/* Since GCFL is late this morning, we thought this might be
appropriate... Have a great week! */
 
1. I dreamed that I was fired, so I didn't bother to get out
of bed.
 
2. I had to take my cat to the dentist.
 
3. I went all the way to the office and realized I was still
in my pajamas and had to go home to change.
 
4. I saw that you weren't in the office, so I went out
looking for you.
 
5. I couldn't find the right tie, so I had to wait for the
stores to open so I could buy one.
 
6. My son tried to flush our ferret down the toilet and I
needed to tend to the ferret.
 
7. I ran over a goat.
 
8. I stopped for a bagel sandwich, the store was robbed and
the police required everyone to stay for questioning.
 
9. A bee flew in my car and attacked me and I had to pull
over.
 
10. I wet my pants and went home to change.
 
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2012, 04:49:25 AM »
Crayons
 
Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from
kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each
day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the
refrigerator. One thing started bothering her: Little Johnny
used only black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a
problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take
him to a child psychologist.
 
The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little
Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with
Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day
for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet every day, Little
Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and
browns.
 
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the
problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the
child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper
and a box of crayons and observe what happened.
 
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, boy!
A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The
only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2012, 04:50:36 AM »
Before
 
A sixth-grade class is doing some spelling drills. The
teacher asks Tommy if he can spell "before."
 
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
 
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell
before?"
 
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before,
B-E-F-O-O-R."
 
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher
asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
 
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
 
"Excellent, Johnny. Now can you use it in a sentence?"
 
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2012, 04:52:26 AM »
Don't Smoke
 
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I
hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the
habit?" she asked.
 
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm
not feeling well."
 
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you
were sick more often."
 
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline FOREPLUS

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2012, 03:22:51 PM »
EB your killing me. Next time you offer a warning I promise to adhere to it.
Sitting here at the doctors trying to not laugh out loud is almost impossible.
Thank goodness I'm not at the shrinks office.
thank you for making me laugh today.
nym3 nyg1 notredame1 nyr2

Offline River Rat

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #15 on: June 14, 2012, 06:53:26 AM »
Apology Letter ...


Hi Sweetheart,

I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.

Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!

I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to the hockey rink. Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.

I'll be home later.

Love you……;

 

 

Her response


Hi Honey,

Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it.  I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on.


Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you and now I am off to the mall. I love you too!












Went out last night and got really wasted. 
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #16 on: June 17, 2012, 05:34:57 AM »
EB your killing me. Next time you offer a warning I promise to adhere to it.
Sitting here at the doctors trying to not laugh out loud is almost impossible.
Thank goodness I'm not at the shrinks office.
thank you for making me laugh today.

No worries bud!!   
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #17 on: June 17, 2012, 05:35:13 AM »
Love it RR
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #18 on: June 17, 2012, 05:35:29 AM »
Mensa Convention
 
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or
higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San
Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution
involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
 
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
 
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #19 on: June 17, 2012, 05:36:08 AM »
Niece's Baby
 
I was in a public bathroom when I heard a woman talking to
her friend.
 
"... Yeah, so my niece just had her baby, and in the
excitement of it all, I admit I neglected it. And then I had
to go to New Mexico for my brother's wedding. I hired the
kid across the street from me to take care of it, and to
make sure it gets water a few times every day. It's just
been getting so hot outside! Anyways, when I come home, I
open the gate to my front yard, and there it is, in the most
sickly condition ever, dying! It never got any water at all,
for two weeks!"
 
I'm sitting there, horrified, thinking of some poor and
dehydrated animal, when the woman says, "I'm never letting
that kid take care of my lawn ever again!"
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #20 on: June 17, 2012, 05:38:01 AM »
Police Comments
 
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:
 
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
 
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
 
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
 
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
 
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
 
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"
 
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
 
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."
 
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
 
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
 
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
 
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."
 
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #21 on: June 17, 2012, 05:41:20 AM »
Worst Family Feud Answers
 
Question: Name a former President that most people would say
is honest.
 
#1 Answer: Lincoln
 
Worst Answer: Nixon
 
-----
 
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins
with the word San.
 
#1 Answer: San Diego
 
Worst Answer: Seattle
 
-----
 
Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
 
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
 
Worst Answer: Buddy
 
-----
 
Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing
out.
 
#1 Answer: Photos
 
Worst Answer: Corn
 
-----
 
Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
 
#1 Answer: Bugs
 
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time
 
-----
 
Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
 
#1 Answer: Anniversary
 
Worst Answer: Happy divorce
 
-----
 
Question: Name a term used in football.
 
#1 Answer: Touchdown
 
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
 
-----
 
Question: Name a special request people ask for when making
a dinner reservation.
 
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
 
Worst Answer: A menu
 
-----
 
Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call
from.
 
#1 Answer: The police
 
Worst Answer: Your son
 
-----
 
Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
 
#1 Answer: Mozart
 
Worst Answer: Julio Iglesias
 
-----
 
Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot
of when you're sick.
 
#1 Answer: Water
 
Worst Answer: Alcohol
 
-----
 
Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of
your nose.
 
#1 Answer: Pimple
 
Worst Answer: Lint
 
-----
 
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
 
#1 Answer: High heels
 
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
 
-----
 
Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in
their house.
 
#1 Answer: Relatives
 
Worst Answer: Mold
 
-----
 
Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
 
#1 Answer: Madonna
 
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
 
-----
 
Question: Name something you think would be difficult about
being a waiter.
 
#1 Answer: Taking orders
 
Worst Answer: Falling down
 
-----
 
Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other
than the U.S.
 
#1 Answer: Peso
 
Worst Answer: Ampere
 
-----
 
Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss
her boyfriend.
 
#1 Answer: Bad breath
 
Worst Answer: She doesn't love him that much.
 
-----
 
Question: Name something you do in front of your husband
that you probably never did when you were dating.
 
#1 Answer: Undress
 
Worst Answer: Make out
 
-----
 
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza
that was just delivered.
 
#1 Answer: It's cold
 
Worst Answer: It went to the wrong address
 
-----
 
Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
 
#1 Answer: Snake
 
Worst Answer: Boar
 
-----
 
Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
 
#1 Answer: Letters
 
Worst Answer: Dice
 
-----
 
Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot
of hair.
 
#1 Answer: 30
 
Worst Answer: 14
 
-----
 
Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
 
#1 Answer: June
 
Worst Answer: Summer
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline SuperGnat

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #22 on: August 11, 2012, 04:25:41 PM »
I am a horrible tennis player and haven't played for a number of years.  Wednesday a few of my buddies convinced me to hit the courts with them.  After a few games of running me around the court and chasing balls, I was getting tired so I stuffed my pockets with 6 tennis balls.

It must have looked pretty funny as my opponent yelled "Hey SuperGnat!  What's up with your pants?"

I replied "Nothing...it's just my tennis balls"

He replied with "Whoa...Sounds painful!  I had tennis elbow once and thought I was gonna die!"
"If you make every game a life or death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot." DES

Offline packerzrule

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #23 on: August 13, 2012, 07:55:09 AM »
A Rabbi and a Priest were on their daily walk when the came to a elementary school playground.

The Priest leans over and whispers "Hey,  wanna screw one of those kids"?

The Rabbi replies "Out of what?"
gb1   mil3   wisconsin1

Offline Artisatool

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #24 on: August 16, 2012, 11:46:36 PM »
First post, but this is a quick one liner:    A giraffe walks into a bar and says "hey everyone, hi-balls on me!"