Author Topic: the good, clean funny laughs thread  (Read 6862 times)

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Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #25 on: August 17, 2012, 01:11:53 PM »
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2013:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


2.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.


3.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.


4.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.


5.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!


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Offline anklebiter

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #26 on: August 18, 2012, 01:06:40 PM »
Am I barred from this thread?

:shock:
N to the A to the -U-G-H-T-whY? 'Cause I want to!

"So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks"


Offline wild-turkey

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #27 on: August 21, 2012, 08:47:13 AM »
SEC as Biblical Characters:

This is harder on some schools than others but funny in general.

Alabama - King Solomon. No matter what you have, what you accomplish, or who you become, he will insist on topping you regardless of the costs involved or who he has to step on to get there. The Old Testament Law only allowed for one wife. Solomon claimed 300. Many authorities dispute that number. Obviously 299 of them decided to transfer due to ‘medical conditions’. His 700 concubines received Grayshirts, hoping to eventually move up to wife status.

Arkansas - Moses. Wandering around up there in the wilderness/Ozarks searching for the Promised Land of an SEC Title. There's a good chance all the current followers will be dead before they actually get there.

Auburn - Judas Iscariot. One of the original members, but later proved to be deceitful and very untrustworthy. Sold his soul for 30 pieces of silver. After inflation, that comes to about $180,000.

Florida - Satan. Pure evil, incredibly arrogant, an enemy of mankind who leads you to believe he has everything you want your program to be, but will one day be cast into a lake of fire. Great Deceiver who occasionally leads astray even the most righteous. Though it has been said "the Devil wears Prada", he actually wears jean shorts.

Georgia - Job. Once very well off and prosperous while doing things the right way, now going through some very difficult times and relying on faith to carry him. Could come out on the other side better off than ever before.

Kentucky - Jezebel. Spent her entire life worshiping the false god BasketBaal and trying to deter people from the true faith.

LSU - Lot. Flourishing in the heart of Sodom and Gommorah.

Ole Miss - Cain. Never satisfied with what he has, believes he deserves much more. Carries a mark for past sins, and is jealous of his brother(s).

Mississippi State - Bartholomew. We know he was one of the 12, but we never hear about him and nothing much is ever written of him, though it is presumed he somehow managed to triumph over Satan.

South Carolina - Aaron. Brother of Moses. Assembled all of the riches in a poor area (Columbia) to erect a Golden Calf (Steve Spurrier) for the people to worship.

Tennessee - The Prodigal Son. Lived a prosperous life, but wanted much more. He was willing to sacrifice all morals to live in the bright light of the nation's eyes, even if it meant hiring Lane Kiffin. That life of luxury was not all it cracked up to be, and he fell on hard times. He came crawling back to his roots, begging for forgiveness and a return to a normal life.

Vanderbilt - Apostle Paul. Completely dedicated his life to the true gospel of the university system (academics) and is constantly beaten and abused for it.


Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #28 on: August 22, 2012, 03:03:57 PM »
OMG...that was funny WT!   LMAOA
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Offline SuperGnat

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #29 on: August 25, 2012, 03:51:18 PM »
BREAKING NEWS:

DALLAS (TX) - The Dallas Cowboys football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.  Head Coach, Jason Garrett, immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.  After a complete analysis, FBI forensics experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE.  Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
"If you make every game a life or death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot." DES

Offline FOREPLUS

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #30 on: August 25, 2012, 10:36:45 PM »
LOL
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Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #31 on: August 27, 2012, 09:08:44 AM »
something new please?   facepalm
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Offline wild-turkey

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #32 on: August 27, 2012, 05:01:12 PM »
If SEC Schools Were Women:

LSU – This lady is hot and is just as comfortable in a party dress as blue jeans but she is more than a little crazy and don’t get into a drinking contest with her.

Alabama – Here is a gorgeous pageant winner the problem is she is stuck up and so arrogant and pretentious that she keeps exaggerating how many titles she has won.

Arkansas – This is that smoking hot country girl who doesn’t really care what you city slickers think and if you mess with her too much she just might hog tie and beat the crap out of you.

Georgia – Now this lady looks fantastic and seems to be a Top 10 in every category (except the one that matters most!).

South Carolina – Here is a young girl who just by looking at her gives you the impression she has great potential and that she just might be going through an awkward phase.

Auburn – This is that hot “girl next door” but she has a chip on her shoulder so as long as you agree with her everyone gets along fine but start an argument and the claws come out.

Florida – She’s hot but hard to handle and getting her out of those jorts isn’t a problem but getting her into a dress is a whole different story.

Vandy – She’s got a great personality and everyone wants her to meet someone special they just don’t want it to be them.

Mississippi State – Sweet girl and bless her heart.

Tennessee – This nice lady is bi-polar and when on her meds nothing can stop her but off the meds she is a complete disaster.

Kentucky – Now here is a lady that extremely good looking but she has a weight problem.  However every New Years she makes a resolution to loose weight and by March she is a knock out.  Too bad she always lets herself go shortly thereafter and goes back to her bad habits.

Ole Miss – She is drop dead gorgeous but not much else going for her.

Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #33 on: August 27, 2012, 05:25:30 PM »
That was good WT!
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Offline FOREPLUS

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #34 on: August 28, 2012, 06:16:14 PM »
Koala is in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard comes by and asks if he would share. Sure come on up. Several hours later the lizard says he's going to the lake to get a drink. While drinking from the lake he falls in. An alligator comes by and asks the lizard what his problem is. The lizard tells him he spent the day in a tree with a koala smoking a joint. The alligator says he has to see this and heads for the tree. As he approaches the tree the koala says Shiiite dude how much water did you drink.
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Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #35 on: August 29, 2012, 10:30:57 AM »
This isn't too dirty...


There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. 

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
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Offline wild-turkey

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #36 on: September 07, 2012, 09:14:30 AM »
Bloopers from the Olympic’s Commentators!

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during
the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I
saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve
got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #37 on: September 12, 2012, 07:17:31 AM »
No Novocaine
 
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to
the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want
novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just
extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on
our way."
 
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
 
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your
tooth, dear."
 
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #38 on: September 12, 2012, 07:18:01 AM »
Hearing Aid Funny
 
Helen and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his
hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that
can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was
sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.
 
Surprised, little Lorraine looked up at him and said, "Oh,
Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
 
Received from Christian Voices.
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #39 on: September 12, 2012, 07:18:43 AM »
Car Sale
 
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
 
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at
a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
 
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the
car."
 
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend
of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and
he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.
Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
 
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your
car?"
 
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it!"
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #40 on: September 12, 2012, 09:40:53 AM »
 LMAOA
dal1  tex3

Offline bondkbond

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #41 on: December 10, 2012, 09:00:47 AM »
A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the new bull was doing. 

 John the farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.  The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

The next week,the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. 

 "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He even broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor's cows! He's been servicing just about everything in sight. 

 He's like a darn machine!"

 "Wow,"said the Banker," what in the world did the vet do to that bull?"

 "The vet just gave him some pills,"replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked the Banker.

 

 "I don't know but they taste like peppermint."


Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #42 on: December 10, 2012, 02:00:47 PM »
rofl  good one Bond!
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Offline bondkbond

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #43 on: December 11, 2012, 07:53:36 AM »
Drinking and driving?
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago near Central Park , I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I’ve never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #44 on: December 11, 2012, 09:58:34 AM »
 alcoholic LMAOA
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Offline SuperGnat

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #45 on: April 26, 2013, 10:10:23 PM »
A turtle was crossing the road when it was mugged by four snails.  The police were summonsed to investigate and one of them asked the turtle exactly what happened.  The shaken turtle replied "I don't know...it all happened so fast".
"If you make every game a life or death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot." DES

Offline CHASER

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #46 on: May 02, 2013, 10:01:10 AM »
True Story.

I'm working a trade show in Vegas and I am running late for a dinner meeting. As the doors open on the 14th floor the only passenger, a nice old lady with a walker, gets out. I jump in and hit 'C' and as the doors close I see her turn back, look at me and smile.

As soon as the doors close I realize qucikly that this grandmotherly woman has dropped a 'bomb' in this elevator. The smell was enough to make your eyes water. I am holding my breath, praying for it to hit the casino level so I can get the hell out of there.

So, the elevator hits the 10th floor and the doors open to let in 4 beautiful women, dressed to the nines for a night out in Vegas. I am no longer alone in this elevator. As the doors close the smell, hanging like a fog, hits them. As one person they turn and look at me.

At this point I really don't know what to say, there is no way they are going to believe me anyway. So I say nothing and stare at the elevator doors for the rest of the ride while trying my best to ignore the looks of disgust being thrown my way.

We hit the casino level, the doors open and these ladies run out of there like their hair is on fire.

Well, I figure thats as bad as it is going to get for the evening. I meet my boss in the lobby and we head to this dinner meeting with some reps form one of our distibuors. I tell him the story as we walk over and he is laughing so hard he can't talk.

We arrive at the restaurant and there is a table of roughly 12 people waiting for us. Four of them are the girls from the elevator.

Of all the tables in all the restaurants in Las Vegas...

My boss still has tears in his eyes from the walk over, he sees the look on my face, looks at these girls, and loses it.

By the time dinner was over we were all laughing about it. I'm pretty sure three of them believed me, the fourth maybe not so much.

Didn't see grandma the rest of my stay...
The greatest danger to any faith are the 'faithful'.

Offline babyfan

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #47 on: May 04, 2013, 08:44:51 AM »
LOL ... loved it chaser!!
Nobody puts baby in the corner ...


Offline packerzrule

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #48 on: May 21, 2013, 12:21:09 PM »
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right,"she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
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Offline AD1

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #49 on: June 28, 2013, 07:35:10 AM »
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.

Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.

The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.

She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........

Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.