Author Topic: the good, clean funny laughs thread  (Read 6871 times)

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Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #50 on: September 12, 2012, 07:17:31 AM »
No Novocaine
 
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to
the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want
novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just
extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on
our way."
 
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
 
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your
tooth, dear."
 
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #51 on: September 12, 2012, 07:18:01 AM »
Hearing Aid Funny
 
Helen and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his
hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that
can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was
sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.
 
Surprised, little Lorraine looked up at him and said, "Oh,
Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
 
Received from Christian Voices.
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline eyebite

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #52 on: September 12, 2012, 07:18:43 AM »
Car Sale
 
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
 
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at
a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
 
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the
car."
 
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend
of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and
he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.
Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
 
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your
car?"
 
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it!"
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. * I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #53 on: September 12, 2012, 09:40:53 AM »
 LMAOA
dal1  tex3

Offline bondkbond

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #54 on: December 10, 2012, 09:00:47 AM »
A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the new bull was doing. 

 John the farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.  The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

The next week,the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. 

 "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He even broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor's cows! He's been servicing just about everything in sight. 

 He's like a darn machine!"

 "Wow,"said the Banker," what in the world did the vet do to that bull?"

 "The vet just gave him some pills,"replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked the Banker.

 

 "I don't know but they taste like peppermint."


Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #55 on: December 10, 2012, 02:00:47 PM »
rofl  good one Bond!
dal1  tex3

Offline bondkbond

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #56 on: December 11, 2012, 07:53:36 AM »
Drinking and driving?
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago near Central Park , I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I’ve never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

Offline Tx_Sports

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #57 on: December 11, 2012, 09:58:34 AM »
 alcoholic LMAOA
dal1  tex3

Offline SuperGnat

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #58 on: April 26, 2013, 10:10:23 PM »
A turtle was crossing the road when it was mugged by four snails.  The police were summonsed to investigate and one of them asked the turtle exactly what happened.  The shaken turtle replied "I don't know...it all happened so fast".
"If you make every game a life or death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot." DES

Offline CHASER

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #59 on: May 02, 2013, 10:01:10 AM »
True Story.

I'm working a trade show in Vegas and I am running late for a dinner meeting. As the doors open on the 14th floor the only passenger, a nice old lady with a walker, gets out. I jump in and hit 'C' and as the doors close I see her turn back, look at me and smile.

As soon as the doors close I realize qucikly that this grandmotherly woman has dropped a 'bomb' in this elevator. The smell was enough to make your eyes water. I am holding my breath, praying for it to hit the casino level so I can get the hell out of there.

So, the elevator hits the 10th floor and the doors open to let in 4 beautiful women, dressed to the nines for a night out in Vegas. I am no longer alone in this elevator. As the doors close the smell, hanging like a fog, hits them. As one person they turn and look at me.

At this point I really don't know what to say, there is no way they are going to believe me anyway. So I say nothing and stare at the elevator doors for the rest of the ride while trying my best to ignore the looks of disgust being thrown my way.

We hit the casino level, the doors open and these ladies run out of there like their hair is on fire.

Well, I figure thats as bad as it is going to get for the evening. I meet my boss in the lobby and we head to this dinner meeting with some reps form one of our distibuors. I tell him the story as we walk over and he is laughing so hard he can't talk.

We arrive at the restaurant and there is a table of roughly 12 people waiting for us. Four of them are the girls from the elevator.

Of all the tables in all the restaurants in Las Vegas...

My boss still has tears in his eyes from the walk over, he sees the look on my face, looks at these girls, and loses it.

By the time dinner was over we were all laughing about it. I'm pretty sure three of them believed me, the fourth maybe not so much.

Didn't see grandma the rest of my stay...
The greatest danger to any faith are the 'faithful'.

Offline babyfan

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #60 on: May 04, 2013, 08:44:51 AM »
LOL ... loved it chaser!!
Nobody puts baby in the corner ...


Offline packerzrule

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #61 on: May 21, 2013, 12:21:09 PM »
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right,"she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
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Offline AD1

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #62 on: June 28, 2013, 07:35:10 AM »
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.

Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.

The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.

She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........

Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

Offline Arasmis

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #63 on: August 13, 2013, 11:42:43 AM »

Offline packerzrule

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #64 on: August 13, 2013, 11:52:21 AM »


“This is what marriage is really all about ”

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered ……………………………………..

“THE TEETH.”
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Offline FOREPLUS

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #65 on: August 13, 2013, 04:49:16 PM »
That ones a keeper Packerz.

rofl
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Offline Arasmis

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #66 on: August 14, 2013, 03:29:40 PM »
Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.



Offline Arasmis

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #67 on: August 22, 2013, 04:55:34 PM »

Offline bondkbond

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #68 on: September 12, 2013, 12:38:53 PM »
WELFARE HUMOR

*A young man with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth,
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local
welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it.". *

Offline Arasmis

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #69 on: September 19, 2013, 02:06:09 PM »
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"

Offline FOREPLUS

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #70 on: October 09, 2013, 08:18:40 AM »
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
nym3 nyg1 notredame1 nyr2

Offline packerzrule

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #71 on: October 09, 2013, 08:48:49 AM »
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?
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Offline bondkbond

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #72 on: October 24, 2013, 01:45:48 PM »
Advice for an old guy....

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ....

I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said;
"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
 

Offline Arasmis

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #73 on: December 02, 2013, 04:05:26 PM »
The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland.  He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

Offline Arasmis

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Re: the good, clean funny laughs thread
« Reply #74 on: December 02, 2013, 04:09:01 PM »
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well.

Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.

Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.

Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?'  Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground.  Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '

SPLASH!!!!

Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.

As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.

Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'

The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'